Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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