So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
