I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Randomize
