i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
