remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
