I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
