I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
