I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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