I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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