nut hugger
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
