last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize