my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
