I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
