I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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