You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
