laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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