this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
