I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
