i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
