T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
