onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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