jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
