He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
