Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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