sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
