I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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