A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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