I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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