remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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