You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
