I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
