I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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