a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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