I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
lets start a swedish sibling band together
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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