Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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