Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The feeling are messing with the penis
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
