I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Less talking, more tequila
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
