they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
