hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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