my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
