You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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