ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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