I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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