Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
