i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
