Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
