I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
