Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
