You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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