Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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