I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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