what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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