does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Is it because I queefed?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
