My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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