I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
