i just wanna soil my oats bro
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
