So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize