Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
