My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
