you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
